Do You Know That I know That You Know?

2/28/09

… it is the new sad – all the trouble you’ve had. I couldn’t have vanished if you’ve never tried to come near. Lives fall apart, but you’ve found a new love; at least that’s what I hear. Still, you’ll sing alone as your brothers walk away. It’s time to wake up. Today is the day. You can, you will, you do know that I know that you do to too. I cannot SING any louder my sweet. But wait forever – until we meet…

If only I could break loose from all the reality of gravity. I long for such a thing. Some may understand what I mean. It has only been in the last few weeks did I realize exactly how much different life can be when a basic, simple things like music can change the very core of one’s actual reality. It’s easy for me to know the joys and struggles – simply because my life is fabricated with music from top to bottom. I realize that sometimes the topics I cover while blogging may be a bit, well lofty, but I have learned over the last ten years that if  I do not type out my “headspace” – trouble shows it’s ugly head.

Having shared all of that, I have to admit that I am feeling a new sense of music of late and so I am off to find a new musical challenge before the impending pull of the 9-5, complete with health benefits and the long commute is entirely too strong (and more to the point, necessary). This time around, however, I will do what I can to concentrate on the music and not the need for stability. I am temporarily employed, part-time, at the moment, so I do have some free time. And really and truly mean FREE time. I haven’t had FREE time since I was a very small child, so I am quickly adjusting so that I can take advantage to the best of my ability.

For many years, I was respsonsible, or at least felt responsible, for my family. And by family, I mean – Mom, Dad, etc. Now, unless you’ve been one of the very, very, very rare few who have been able to follow every incarnation of my blog and read every single entry, it will be difficult for me to explain why I would find it necessary to take on such a burden. So let me simply state that I looked at every possible scenario available to my perception, and decided in my mid-20’s that someone just plain had to “step-up” for the good of us all (“us” meaning my family). There are no more family members left who need to be watched over, so an enormous amount of stress is gone from my left.

However, as per the laws of physics, a void has been created and naturally, things are quickly rushing in to fill in for that vacant stress. It is crucial that I personally control that flow. This is one thing I can control. Of course, I have no choice if I want to live, but to earn money and while it might seem absolutely nutso that I find it very comforting being so poor that I have to live in a barn and declare bankruptcy (which I should have done last year, but was too poor to do), I will have to take on certain financial stresses yet once again.

Being completely without any money, whatsoever, is freeing in many ways, but it also puts a person on the fast-track to an early and “invisible” death. Considering that I have been fighting for my life for the last years, it is only logical that I would not want something like a lack of health insurance, medical care, food, shelter and other such things to bring to maker so quickly. To say that I do not have a choice would be wrong. I could chose poverty and an early death if I straight-out stopped hoping, and therefore, stopped caring – sure I could. You can bet you’re ass I am grateful that I actually have that choice. There are people out there who do not have any idea that any other fate is possible.

Well, even though “hope is a demon bitch” (as is named one of the chapters of the movie “Hamlet 2”) I’m a full-blown glutton for punishment, so off I go into the great beyond, yet once again. This time, armed with something I have not had in my adult life. What that is not something I feel the need to explain, but it’s real and it’s of great importance.

I’d love to go into all that cliche rhetoric that some find necessary after facing the mortality that is all a part of being human, but instead, since doing just that seems to be a recurring pattern, I will skip it all and just move onto the next chapter, as it were.

Music is a beautiful thing and I wouldn’t be here without it. It may be a trivial matter so some. It may be that I am deluded. It may be that I “receive” in a unique way. Many things are possible. To me though, music is true.

Go make some – peace – mia

Forgotten, but Not Gone

2/27/09

Well, I haven’t quite been in the blog state of mind over the last year and in all honesty – it was bound to happen. I started blogging about ten years ago or so, and kept it at a steady pace for quite some time. I needed a long break from the typical, “over-achieving”, of which I have been accused by many. Sometimes life brings more than one can handle in any real sense, so I slipped into the depths and swam around in the muck for a while, so-to-speak.

It’s now time to re-surface and catch some familiar air. To say that I get dealt more difficulty than the average person would be an understatement, but it’s also fair to say that I knew it was coming and I did very little to avoid it. Perhaps, I even asked for it. Nevertheless, here I am on the blog again.

My greatest accomplishments in life have come from the doubt of others. Why change course now? I was told that my body was “shutting down” and that I had very little chance of survival beyond my 37th birthday. I will be 37 on March 9 of this year and there is no indication that I’m going down anytime soon. Yes, it is true that I am no longer the flexible, uber-strong, “feel-no-pain” sort of physical presence I once was, but frankly, I’m just thrilled that I can walk and talk and drive and laugh and sing. In a sense, all is as it was meant to be and my acceptance of that has finally brought me back from the murky nether region of self-doubt and despair.

It is a bit ironic to me that formerly, I barely felt pain. Whereas now, every note I sing, every move I make, and every breathe I take (hey, that sounds like I Police song I know) is filled with a stiff, throbbing soreness filled with pain and hurt. All things do eventually balance out afterall.

Since I am now employed again, I cannot spend much time here today. However, before I move onto my other blog,  “Singing From the Crease“, I want to send a fond farewell to Steven Page from the Barenaked Ladies. I have been a fan of the Barenaked Ladies for quite a while and spent a good many years and dollars going to their live performances. It will be a very different feel when the four remaining “Ladies” make a new album and hit the road in support of it, but I have confidence that both Mr. Page and the “Ladies” will move forward into new musical explorations having all been blessed by having their time together as a group. I will miss Steven’s voice in the mix, but look forward to hearing all the new and exciting music. Sing on fellas – Sing on.

Peace – Mia