Oh What Tangled Headspaces We Weave


Hi there musical types. Today, I’ve been about as out of sorts as any one person can be on any given day. First, I would like to thank “Mute Math” for balls out entertainment. Second, I’d like to totally freak the F out on my blog this evening. Those of the musical sort are much more understanding of this concept than those who may read my other blog. And on that topic – it is very interesting that I get more traffic to this blog than I do the other. I get consistent traffic here and even though this post on my other site got me a ton of traffic on the other blog, I still get more traffic here. So for all of you out there who have stopped to read here, those of you who have subscribed to this blog and all of you who have taken the time to e-mail me at sciencegirl99@excite.com and keep me engaged – THANKS SO MUCH!

Okay, here I go, off into the darkness in search of a small sliver of light beckoning me like a guidepost to a door that will open to day again. I should be feeling good about all my recent good fortune. I should be grateful that I’m alive. I should be excited that the Washington Capitals are doing fantastic things this season. I should be feeling good that I will share in my recent good fortune with a fellow Caps fan. I should be very pleased that I got not just one, but two mentions on the personal blog of the Washington Capitals majority owner, Ted Leonsis. I should be a lot of things right now.

Here’s the unfortunate truth in my world today – I have no idea what I am, but I don’t think it’s any of those things I just previously mentioned. That probably seems awful. Maybe it is and I’m awful. Maybe I am simply having a bad day. I hope that’s all it is and I wake up tomorrow with a different outlook. Today, however, is a horrible “headspace” day. What is of intense concern to me is that I made someone’s day today and I have pulled out every single trick in my vast arsenal of drawing forward my inner-optimist today, yet, my “headspace” has only gotten worse.

I have listened to every song I could get my ears on that typically get me through any kind of rough patch. I am currently listening to the Washington Capitals play the Atlanta Thrashers, which I couldn’t have done two months ago. I have seen the Capitals play at the Verizon Center this season, which I had previously resigned myself to thinking would not happen at all this season. I’m going to see Caps play this Sunday. I got a very heartfelt and long overdue letter containing grand kudos from a person who has been involved with ice hockey his entire life last month. All of these things should be plenty enough to keep my spirits flying high without question. Still – I’m experiencing something very disconcerting today and it is still weighing heavy on me with increasing unhappiness.

There are many thoughts working in my head and many of them are just not good. There is a possibility that I have pushed myself entirely too hard over the last few weeks. I am aware that my trip to DC to see the Caps play on March 3oth threw me off my schedule enough to have affected me all the way up to this moment. I still haven’t recovered. I certainly am willing to accept that and “take the hit”, because it was worth it and an opportunity like that only comes once a lifetime for the likes of me. I have become aware that one or two of the e-mails sent to me from people who read my blog post managed to infiltrate my normal defenses. The e-mails I am referring to are not those mentioned on my other blog post. One e-mail was particularly hurtful. (side note – as I am typing this the Caps game a I was listening to just abruptly stopped and it’s not my speakers or the wires and the stream is still there – oh well, so much for listening to the Caps) Another e-mail was from someone I have met before. Both of the e-mails hit the “ouch” spot, but I had originally laughed them off without hesitation.

One thing I do know, I fight and fight to stay alive. I am tired all of the time. I think I don’t know why I fight so hard to stay alive. It’s not that people at work and elsewhere don’t appreciate me or that I don’t see the beautiful moments of life all the time, everyday. Something has changed in the last few weeks. Something I am “blind” to and is intangible. I have been driven with extreme force by an unseen core part of me for 38 years. I never had to question it and I always knew and believed it was there and it has never failed me. Whatever “it” is or was – isn’t there anymore. “It” is gone.

Explaining things in a public, written format has numerous limitations, so this probably comes across as confusing and a bit of a ramble. As much as I would like to convey great character and resilience; the most, blunt honest truth today is that I cannot stop myself from thinking that for all the kind words that many people from many different directions have offered up to me over the last few months – not a single one of those words can change the fact that I’m scared, alone, always waiting for the next something to take me down and all the while knowing that if I don’t see it coming or deal with it when it comes – it will take me down. I don’t think I have it in me anymore.

Everywhere I go there are people texting, tweeting, talking, spending, running, moving and shaking, dating, going, going, going. All the way up until today – none of it phased me in the slightest. Today, a harsh reality finally settled in and will not budge. I have no means to operate in the world I see and move around in each and every day. I can make a lot of money and still live as though I have none, because there is only one way I will be able to have money should I live past an age when I can work and that is if I save every single penny I earn from here on out that I don’t use to live as simply and as small as I can manage. I can manage small, but unless I stop being a hockey fan and give up all music other than music heard on free radio (which may not be free for much longer), I may not be able to live small enough for long enough. If I gave up those two things I love the most – I can’t find it in me to even find reason to try to continue forward. Those two things ARE me and the reason I am me.

I think I did this to myself. I should have stayed away from the other blog. I should have kept myself as far away from the hockey as I could possibly get. I should not have picked-up more work. I should have fought my own nature. But then again – it is my nature and that’s just what I do. I can’t protect myself from the things that almost everyone I see can find protection from by myself, but I have to, otherwise – whatever “it” is or was I’ve stood up for and fought to stay alive for also goes down.  Like I said – not a good “headspace” in any way shape or form today.

Another thing I know is that talking to people about my circumstances actually makes everything far, far worse. It has not helped and it has only sunk me further. What are the odds that someone I will run across and talk to can actually have any possible understanding of what it is like to have their entire family die around them before the age of 36 (which translate to a massive failure on my part to keep my family safe and well), lose everything that they have worked for since they were 13, live for something that no one even acknowledged until very recently and should technically be dead several times over by now?

I do know that people care and that people do reach out to me and I haven’t forgotten or forsaken that fact. I am abundantly aware of all the miraculous blessings I have received and I have sucked every last drop of shining glory from them all. It might be too little too late and whatever was holding me strong before – is nowhere to be found today.

I will try to settle into my couch for sleep now and dream of a better tomorrow.

Sing it loud from the crease – peace – mia (sciencegirl99@excite.com)

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