… drive down all the long-winding roads and break all the world’s most difficult codes. Smile on a passing favor and find thoughts with which to savor. Laugh while hoping things get better and put all your dreams in a handwritten letter. Know the demons that from within arise and catch your future with the element of surprise…

7/29/09

Aloha! Last Friday, while watching my dearest friends’ dogs, I watched the ”Prison Break” movie (or two episodes squished together into 90 minutes) known as “The Final Break.” I was very happy that certain aspects of the show were concluded in a relatively neat fashion. I got a bunch more “T-Bag” (played by Robert Knepper) lines to use at work for S’s and G’s, such as “my pro quo to your quid” and “how’s it going Five-star?” (or something like that). Although, I should be careful – I do occasionally run across a 5-Star General or two and if I called that person “5-Star” in public, it would probably go over about as well as a “terd in a punch bowl”, as one of my co-workers just loves to say.

Before I go all “Grammar Police” on the final scene, I’ll mention a conversation I had with my friend Todd last week. (yes – just a friend – no other strings attached – to answer a rather curious e-mail from someone named “JumbOLie-ya”) Todd and I wholeheartedly agreed that one of the worst things to happen from a television-viewers perspective is a show getting cancelled and that’s it – all gone – never to be heard from again. It really is a bummer when one gets invested in a character or plot or some other aspect(s) of a show and then the show just goes off the air for good. Well, as a person who values time more than money, I totally feel shafted (or bent-over, if you like) when a show I enjoy and for which I make time simply disappears. Thankfully, the “Prison Break” folks got a chance to tie-up some loose ends and finish out the last season. Hurray for that!!

As I wrote a few blog entries ago, I spent some time reading the IMBd Wentworth Miller message boards. (at some point – I concluded that I just couldn’t look away – I was captivated entirely – but I will deny it fervently;-) ) Somewhere I read a few “spoilers” and because of that I pretty much knew what to expect in “The Final Break”. I wasn’t sure how “Scofield” bites the dust and I was interested in the fate of Theodore Bagwell. I have read that many ”Prison Break” fans were disappointed in “The Final Break”, but I appreciated the closure, so there won’t be, but one, complaint from me.

Which brings me to the final scene in which Sara (Sarah Wayne Callies) and Link (Dominic Purcell) are watching Michael’s(Wentworth Miller) last video to his family. It does not escape me that I’m probably one of the very, very few who noticed or even cared about the extremely poor grammar spoken in Michael’s video, but because of it (the poor Grammar), I had to rewind the last few minutes and re-listen to Michael’s departing words. He speaks about his “child”, which is singular – however, he then refers to “them” and “they”, which denotes a plural – or children. I was briefly confused by Michael’s reference to “them” and “they”, so I did rewind and determined that he was actually refering to one child. I suppose I tend to pick-up on “the little things” more than “the average bear”, so if bad grammar is my only real problem with “The Final Break”, then I recommend that all “Prison Break” fans be sure to check it out. (yeah – I’m a geek/nerd/dork – no need to remind me!)

I have also mentioned in a recent blog entry that I have volunteered some of my time in an effort to assist in the making of a movie. To bring you up to speed – this movie has been in “production” since 2005. Once a year, someone will contact me and tell me that the movie is “back on” and most of the same group of people get together again and work toward the movie’s completion. I won’t get into all the drama and specifics (most of which I’ve been lucky enough to miss anyway), but the people who own the equipment needed to film and the people who spend the most money and supply most of the talent, have two different ideas on how this movie should take form. This causes a tremendous amount of friction, that eventually creates a big enough rift to halt production for many months each year. I have a full-time job and anything I do regarding this film is strictly on the side and so far, I have not made a single penny. I have pretty much done everything but direct so far. It’s been a hard-road for all involved – yet it has allowed me to see how a movie gets made and I have learned more than I could ever have expected. Most of the shooting has been done, but because we lost a high-profile actor between this year and last, we have to find some creative way to fill the void. I even get to “appear” in this film now.

I have had some fun over the last month or so and I won’t lie and tell everyone that it isn’t fun being in front of the camera, but the experience has mostly just solidified my position on anonymity. I prefer being involved with film/tv/video production from the back-end, or sidelines. I doubt it’s a question of talent or “will”, as much as it is a question of me being me and not having to cultivate a “PR” image that will most likely just piss me off in the end and create a situation where I have to compromise more of myself than is pissible to give. I’m difficult to package-up nicely, so it’s best that I just do my thing away from the eyes of those who might find me interesting. It is a foregone conclustion that I am not really meant for public consumption.

The main goal of those who created the premis for this film and who have overcome nearly insurmountable odds is to get the film to certain film festivals. I allow myself to get pulled back in simply because I respect and admire the fact that no one, on any side that matters, will call it “quits” and let the movie die. I can frame a shot, run a camera and I’m a super-fast learner, so I figure I won’t be a party to the “politics”, but I won’t be one of the may who have given up and dropped out  either. Technically I’m a “rookie”, because I have not been to film school, but most of the people involved have thus far been patient, helpful and understanding of my ability to “learn on the fly.” Plus, I have been around enough through the years to not be a completely green.

Personally, I am finding myself becoming half-way excited that this thing may actually be complete and ready to go by early 2011. I also find myself quite thrilled by the fact that some of the local “crew” have been given permission to use a rich guy’s pool all summer, whenever we want. I don’t need to be paid – I just need a free pool that comes complete with a poolside grill and a fridge that is ALWAYS stocked with steak. Considering I am a water person all the way and considering I love me some grilled steak – it would be one dumb idea not be involved in whatever way I can with this particular project. Not to mention the rib-cracking laughing fits that accompany a long weekend of trying to get out “rag-tag” group from one location to another with no food, no smokes, no caffiene and hardly any sleep.

We have had to take another break so the two writers can hunker down in solitude somewhere and come up with more lines for my character and change part of the ending to explain the disappearance of another character. I think there are some other issues, but I am not privy and I feel I should let the others “play” on their own for a while.

I am forced to blog about things that happen outside my regular work day, for the most part. I work for Homeland Security and just like in Las Vegas, what happens in the office, stays in the office. For those in the “Prison Break” know – my life is absolutely nothing “Agent Don Self’s” life. I doubt anyone’s life is like that.

I’m off to figure how I’m going to get places with a vehicle that has no working fuel pump – just when I thought I was gaining some headway on saving – ahhhh crap.

Rock on movie makers – peace – mia (sciencegirl99@excite.com)

7/24/09

Good afternoon all! I have had a fun-filled week  that included a very spur of the moment trip to New York, a visit to an artsy friend and an endoscopy. The endoscopy was rather routine and there were no complications, so that’s all I have to say about that. I only mention it because I needed a person to drive me to a fro. I don’t have family and most of the people I know are many hundreds to thousands of mile away from me, so I gave my friend Todd Conway a shout, knowing that he is an “art-bumb” during the summer when he is not teaching art in Baltimore City. Of course, he’s a good guy, so he happily gave me a place to crash and took me to the hospital.

Todd has done a lot of work that has been featured in Baltimore, MD and Maryland in general. He has managed to do what many cannot – he gets paid to do what he loves and he has time-off in the summer to explore new creative ideas. I’m very, very happy for him. His house draws a lot of attention and he hit the jackpot on location.

Todd did me a major “solid” and I appreciate that given how difficult it is for me to rely on others. Since I had a few minutes to get to the blog this afternoon, I decided to do some blatant “Todd Conway” promoting. He’s been working on a graphic novel for a very long time and I got to see him working on it while I was recovering at his house this week. It’s absolutely fascinating watching the artisitc process in action. Plus, I think I might be able to convince Todd to help out with a movie that I’ve been working on for free for a while. I met some very ambitious local film people a while ago and they just love to intice me with project. This time around – they got me. I just couldn’t say “no”. But, there have been a few snags and I think it’s time for big “Todd Conway” to sit down with me so we can brain-storm.

Anyway, I think if you need something wholly Baltimore and you need it done right – got see “Todd Conway“! Now, this brings me to a more sobering portion of today’s entry. I work in Downtown Baltimore and every day I get to see something that makes me very sad. 1/4 of Charles Plaza consists of the building that once was the Morris Mechanic Theater. I saw several plays there while the Mechanic was still open. Now the theater is partially boarded-up and much of the glass is shattered. The Mechanic went lights out after the Hippodrome was finally refurbished and opened. There has been very little done to preserve or modernize the building. The City of Baltimore has determined that the theater does have historic value, so permits would be difficult for a mulit-use facility.

It makes me want to do something – anything – when I walk by the Morris Mechanic every day and see the same Bobcat and construction equipment sitting in the exact same place on part of the roof. One of my co-workers tells me that the Bobcat has been sitting up there for at least two years. I realize that some people don’t like the architectural style of the building and I understand that there are more modern venues for theatrical productions in Baltimore, but if I listen closely enough – I can almost hear the echoing sound of hollow culture flowing out of the delapidated, unique form. Maybe I should get crackin’ hmmmm – Now where to begin?

On an unrelated note – I’ve been helping some independent filmakers do their thing this month. They have made several films – only one of which you have probably seen. They appreciate my creative and rather, well, enthusiastic spirit, so upon request, I offered up myself to be IN FRONT of the camera, instead of behind the scenes, where I feel much more anonymous. To get to the meat of my point, I had to take a quick trip to a very busy New York City neighborhood this week. It was all quite last minute, but I made it in enough time to have someone make me up and then toss me into the mix of things for a total of about 10 minutes in front of the camera. The experience was a rush in a few ways, but if it were not for Starbucks Coffee, I’d have not made it home again.  There are no Starbucks close to where I live. I used to live within walking distance of a Starbucks. I got my hands on some Starbucks in NYC and things just seemed a little – better.

You most likely will not see me coming to a theater near you, even though, my role just expanded. This particular film is having a lot of trouble trying to “find its legs” as one of the producers keeps telling everyone. Given the fact that several people involved are volunteering their time and services (a lot of both actually), the film will most likely be finished. But in what condition? That remains to be seen.

Anyone have any ideas on how to go about saving a theater? – peace – mia (sciencegirl99@excite.com)

Brining Baltimore to life since 1967 – http://www.toddconwayarts.com

… Pour me some dessert wine, from grapes frozen on the vine. Nap with me on a beach, snoozing happily each. I’m ready right now – though I don’t know how. Bring tears and rain. Bring fears well lain. Bring sad desolation. Bring bad desperation. Bring all the world to view. Bring it all – as long as it all – comes with YOU…

7/22/09

Good afternoon out there! I am lucky enough to have the ability to work from home every-so-often and today is a good day to be home. I started one of my cats, “Dirty Harry” on insulin today. My dad was a diabetic and one of the family cats had diabetes as well, so I am not unfamiliar with the needle situation. I think the one thing I’m most concerned about is having to keep a very stable food/medication schedule. I also have a cat who requires an asthma “puff”, but she can go a day or two without and she can get her “puff” at about any time of the day. If I need to travel or work a long day, I will need to find someone who lives close enough to me and who doesn’t have a problem giving a cat a shot. I will adjust, but I am still trying to get a hold of this most recent deveopment.

In an effort to get out and experience some creative flow, I took the time to stop-off at Artscape last Friday. Baltimore is the proud home of the nations largest free arts festival. I hadn’t been to Artscape for several years, but this year, the Light Rail train has stops that are pretty much right at the front or back door of the festival, so it was pretty much a no-brainer for me to hop-off the train on the way home from work and enjoy some music, street performances and other artsy goodies. I wandered around for much longer than I had origianlly anticipated. It was quite by happenstace that I ended-up seeing a tribute to Maria Callas. I’m no tan opera buff by any stretch of the imagination, but my parents once played me a recorded version of  “Tosca” with Maria Callas and I still remember it to this day. Fan-freakin’-tastic.

I was offered a job at MICA (Maryland Institute College of Art), which plays a big part in Artscape every year, but had to turn the job down because I had already committed to a contract. I’m actually looking into programs at MICA. I miss certain aspects of being in school, but I’m only looking to feed the creative, inspired side of me at this point in my life. I’ll have to work on my current “re-build”, as I like to call it, but perhaps, someday – I’ll be back to the school-grind yet once again.

If you visit Baltimore, MD or the surrounding area in July next year – COME HAVE SOME FUN AT ARTSCAPE!! It’s a must see.

As I mentioned, I ride the Light Rail to get into Baltimore City every work day. My daily commute is long and involves a 45 minute drive to the Light Rail where I board and sit for another 40 minutes or so to get downtown. Yes, that’s right – 3 hours of my life are spent commuting. I have learned to appreciate the alone time on the drive and have a small MP3 player, so I can listen to tunes on the train. I have become habituated to my commute and can’t find words (that I can spell correctly anyway) to express how blessed I am to have a full-time, benefit holding job. All things considered, I am one very fortunate individual. Now having stated that, I must balance out that thought by giving an example of how I also seem to live in some sort of obscure, Twilight Zone-esque, parallel Universe that allows me a personal, daily dose of overwhelming amazement and entertainment just by waking up and doing normal everyday activities.

I was later than usual in getting seated on the Light Rail one morning a couple of weeks ago, because of an early morning appointment to see one of my docs. As usual, I sat by the window and kept my gaze on the objects outside, which is necessary for me to avoid motion sickness. Also as usual, a stop or two later, someone sat next me because the train tends to fill quickly as the train makes its way downtown. For those of you who have regularly used public transportation, it should not be a surprise that a person seated next to you is drinking a “40” in a bag at 9:00 AM. As was the case this morning, I was not at all fazed by concealed alcohol consumption taking place in the seat directly next to me. However, as it happened, about four stops later, I glanced at the lap of the fellow sitting next me.

 As an afterthought, I realize that my very first reaction to what I saw might to most, seem bizarre. In my world however, it was par for the course, so to speak. As I caught the picture of what my eyes were perceiving in my head, the very first thing I recall thinking was, “Why is this guy carrying a big, black dildo on the train with him?” Perhaps the fact that I did indeed need to do a triple-take will help you visualize what I got to see first hand. While I am no stranger to the male anatomy, the context in which I got a full-on peep show of a well-endowed, wholly engorged man made the situation a bit less than desirable. However, on the spot, I weighed my options and figured that making a scene might traumatize the children nearby who could not see the newspaper covered penis. Also, it occurred to me that one probably shouldn’t entice any sudden movements when a “sword” has been “presented”, given the fact that I was within firing distance of urine and another, more sticky substance.

In truth, I did gaze down at the “thing” more than once. It was very difficult not to look. I mean – there it was – in all of its glory. The guy giving me the show seemed as though he had practice showing off his member and just kept on holding the paper so no one else could see and staring forward. I’m not sure what reaction the gentleman was hoping to elicit, but I “let it ride”. Upon the approach of my stop, I leaned over to my train “buddy” and quietly whispered, “You should put that away now – this is my stop.” And just like that, he moved a bit in his seat and then “IT” was gone. I wonder if I should be flattered that a random dude on my morning commute felt the need to show me their porn-star quality genitalia? Judging by how well he managed the entire “incident”, I’m inclined to think he has had a lot of practice.

It’s not every day one gets to see something like that on the way to work.

Go ART it up for a while – peace – mia sciencegirl99@excite.com

. . . Another day in far away – so close in thought – two coffees bought.  You know me, because you know yourself. I know nothing – but sure of your determined stealth. Your sensitive mind won’t let you unwind – my empathetic lure can find you a cure. Did you see me type this out? Can you signal with a little shout? What was I watching on DVD? Can we combine when you finally tell me? . . .

7/19/09

It’s a beautiful Sunday and I’ve got some free time to hang out and type a while. No better time than now to finish my Prison Break marathon thoughts. First, I have to admit that I seriously made comments to those I know who were regular watchers of “Prison Break” that I couldn’t imagine a show called “Prison Break” could make it as a series. When the show was first advertised, I simply couldn’t help but think that it would be very dfficult to imagine how a show could continue once that acutal break from prison took place. Of course, the creators, crew and all involved with that show gave me a lesson in how to make a show a series – even with a limiting title such as “Prison Break”. I absolutely admire and respect the series for that reason alone.

But other things also made a me a true fan. As I mentioned in Part 1 – Robert Knepper played “T-Bag” so well, I barely have words to descirbe how much I thoroughly enjoyed the whole “T-bag” experience. I am a silly person and I delight in certain entertaining activities, so of late, my co-workers have all made mltiple requests for me to do my best “T-Bag”. Yes, I am a female with no fake hand, but I somehow just picked-up the way of the “T-Bag” and while preparing for a training session at work, I must have channelled “T-Bag”, because I get requests almost every day at this point. You have to be willing to dig deep into the darkened depths of the soul to pul-off “T-Bag”. I can’t praise Robert Knepper enough for bringing Theodore Bagwell to life as he did. Plus, I give my highest kudos to the writers for pulling out the “Sona-Hawkins Dance” and the story about T-Bag’s cat who a good mouser. I realize it might be saying volumes about me to bring to light my total thrill in a character like “T-Bag”, but I can’t let that stop me from praising those responsible for forging the way for “T-Bag” on television. Thanks for all the work.

Next on the “Prison Break” list for me is the fact that I took the time to IMDb all the actors who had any significant role in the series. I was familiar with Dominic Purcell from the short-lived show called “John Doe”. I was disappointed when that show was cancelled. It was first Tv show I had seen in a while that I actually liked and didn’t want to miss. I was also a fan of the “Blade” series and especially found Mr. Purcell’s vampire character compelling for some reason. Obsure as it may be to some, I thought the movie “Three Way” had an intersting plot. I thought the casting people got the Wentworth Miller/Dominic Purcell ratio just right. The only negative comment I have about Mr. Purcell pertains to the Aussie accent that I began to notice more and more – especially in Season 4. I’m a freak of nature when it comes to noticing tiny, mostly trivial things in the realm of film/tv continuity, so it’s not a dig or a complaint on my part. I just happened to pick-up on it, and if Mr. Purcell plans to play an American again, he might want to be more vigilant. I personally don’t care about that sort of thing, but critics just love to bust on actors for accents, or lack thereof.

I was also familiar with William Fichtner from all sorts of role. Some may remember him in “Blades of Glory” or as Sully in “The Perfect Storm”, just to name a couple. Mr. Fitchtner has a talent for making minor facial expressions which translate to big acting. Perhaps that doesn’t make sense, but he has perfected the “micro-movement” and I found that talent particularly useful in making “Mahone” an integral part of “Prison Break”. The one discovery I did make when browsing IMDb, was that Mr. Fichner is an NHL fan. Well, for that I think he is a great man. Now having said that, I am not sure about his Buffalo Sabres, because as far as I am concerned – it’s the Washington Capitals all the way. However, I can only be happy that there are NHL fans out there and I do appreciate the Sabres goalie, Ryan Miller, so I will just be glad for the discovery of yet another hockey fan walking the face of the Earth.

Now I can move onto Wentworth Miller. He played Michael Scofield (yes – I did spell Scofield wrong in part I and I thank someone named Julia for pointing that out to me). Here’s where my fingers will really start flying because the entirety of who am has been solidified simply by reading some of the IMDb Message Board posts, gossip and other internet “news” regarding Mr. Miller. There is a very simple reason why I, as entertaining as I have been told I am over and over again, have not tried to get into the entertainment industry. So far I have read that Wentworth Miller is gay, is lying about his cultural background, can’t act his way out of paper bag, is the hottest man alive, is too tired and weak to find good roles, has a bad American accent and the list just goes on and on, ad infenitum.

Does he really want dirty fan mail? Is he a closeted gay as Perez Hilton might have you believe? Is he now a regular on Law & Order – SVU? Does he really like all sorts of hot food when he eats at a Thai restaurant? Is his head-shaved look more sexy than his grown-out hair look? What the FUCK???????? The way I see it, he’s a guy who got a really good gig with Prison Break and now he’s doing something else. Do I think he’s rather fine-looking person? Sure. Do I think he’s gay? I could care less. Frankly anyone who claims to like Scrabble is “okay” in my book. I am a Scrabble fan myself. Then again, I’ve never met him and I therefore, don’t really know if he likes Scabble. People out there have spent many, many hours on message boards begging others for his e-mail address and yet others have spent many more hours arguing if he’s gay or if he can, in fact, really act. Also, the fact that he is 37 and still unmarried seems to get people in some sort of speculative frenzy about his sexuality and a whole of host of other personality and lifestyle characterstics. As it happens, I am also 37 and as yet, unmarried. Maybe Mr. Miller felt he needed to accomplish certain things in his life before committing to a wife and family (or life-partner if that’s his bag). I know that’s why I have yet to marry. I have done the things I wanted to do, so marriage and family is right for me at this point, but I would never judge anyone for being single at the age of 37 – not ever. It wouldn’t even dawn on me to do so.

After spending more time than I should have reading through hundreds of posts and following links that painted Mr. Miller as the either the best or the worst actor ever, the hottest guy in the world, except when his hair is grown out and so on, I couldn’t help but be slightly disheartened in sympathy for him. I’m sure there are a lot of ego-boosting qualities about being so well-known, yet, it has to be extremely isolating as well. I don’t know – I’ve not met him. It’s highly unlikely I ever will, so I guess it makes no difference what I think. I just know I won’t be on the message boards interjecting my opinions and I also know that I am relieved that no one could give a shit what I eat or with whom I spend my time.

It’s probably plain coincidence that I watched my “Prison Break” seasons 1 + 2 in marathon style at about the same time I had a major epiphany I didnt even really notice the epiphany – it just sort of crystallized after I finished watching season 2. I have written that I probably will not have children. For one thing, I’m not married (nor am I having sex with anyone to be blunt), so it seems unlikely that children are in the near future. However, for the first time in my life, I can see being married as a logical possibility now. I’m not against having children either – it’s just a bit riskier for me than most others.

When I was younger, I knew there were things I wanted to do with my life. Against all odds, to the dismay of my mother and the amazement of those who I have met along the way. I have actually accomplished most of those things. I have been in every state in the U.S. I have been on every continent (except Antarctica – and I’m not in a big rush for that). I have seen some of the most talented musical acts in the world live. Including U2, Metalica, Dave Brubeck, Tom Jones, Harry Connick Jr., Chris Issac, Madonna, Depeche Mode, Peter Gabriel (best concert in my life), Frank Sinatra, Aeorsmith, Crosby-Stills-Nash+Young (and various combinations), Pink Floyd, Barenaked Ladies, Alanis Morrisette, Tori Amos, NIN, REM (second best concert ever) and I could go on, but I’m thinking I’ve made my point. I wanted to be a season ticket holder for at least one NHL season for the Washington Capitals and I did it during Olie Kolzig’s last season with the Capitals. Olie’s my favorite goalie, so I hit the timing jackpot on that one. I have an A.A. degree, 2 BS Degrees and an MS Degree and I worked hard and while getting all of them. I took care of my family, even when they didn’t appreciate it. I have worked in a corner office over-looking the Baltimore Inner Harbor for a multi-million dollar business. I SING everyday, even when all hell has broken loose. I wrote and produced my own music – enough to fill a CD. I’ve rescued many animals. I’ve volunteered my time and money to causes that meant somethin gto meI have re-paid everyone from whom I’ve borrowed money and most importantly, I have been true to myself and others while doing all of that. Of course, I added a few things to my “list of things I’d like to accomplish”, but frankly, if I dropped dead tomorrow – I’d go satisfied that I never stopped trying.

Thanks for “Prison Break” Fox Television. In my world – it was perfect timing.

Go be yourselves and thanks for reading – peace – mia (sciencegirl99@excite.com)

Yes, it has been quite some time since I had a chance to sit down and type my thoughts out for any who care to read. It’s been one heck of a few years for me. Most people don’t have the backstory, because I have changed my blog sites several times since I started blogging in 2000. However, between the two blogs I have at WordPress.com, I think anyone who might be interested could at least get some idea.

I am now steadily employed and my health has improved. Those two things were my goals, and I have accomplished them. However, I’m now looking to rebuild. I’m 37 years old and I have to put aside all creativity and other freedoms of my mind for an indeterminate amount of time (yeah-and I have some nice swamp land in Florida for sale too!). That is not an easy feat, nor is it a welcome one either. It is necessary though. I lost almost everything. For me, the physical, material stuff is not as important as the time and family lost. Of course, I am totally human enough to admit that losing my life-savings, pension, and other venues of financial stability did almost put me “under”, so to speak.

An odd thing has happened though – I have found a sense of peace that allows me to believe in who I am more than ever before in my life. I am not at all easily defined. I have yet to find a “box” in which to fit. I know that others would like to categorize me in one way or other. It truly bothers me less and less these days. The fact that I am alive and I have survived – time and time again is impressive, even to me, at this point.

I can’t say anything with any certainty anymore – other than I am sure that love is not a myth. Love is not far away. Love may be illusive and harsh, but it is the single reason I have not crumbled to nothing. I have been so protective of myself over the years, that I convinced myself a long time ago that love does not exist for the likes of me. Nowadays, I am sure love hasn’t jumped up and bitten me in the ass, but it will. I will gladly receive a bite like that. People can love me – because I can surely love them. Plus, I have discovered that I’m not as far removed from everyone as I had once previously thought.

I suppose I am divulging my inner thoughts today for several reasons, but the catalyst was actually the fact that I have no television anymore. Okay, I should be more specific. To back-track a bit, I was almost homeless, along with three rescued cats. A person I had not seen in almost 17 years re-appeared in my life and offered me a very small “studio” in the middle of farm-land, Harford County, MD. I lovingly call this part of MD The Great Hockey Void, or The Hockey Black Hole. I also spent my young childhood and early adulthood in The Great Hockey Void.

Anyway, my point is that I can’t really put it anymore plainly – I now live in a barn (or more precisely – an old milkhouse). The barn has a metal roof and that makes any television reception almost impossible, and no digital signal has a chance – even with a huge lightening rod on the roof (a.k.a. – antenna). I don’t really need TV, other than to hear the weather report. I have an emergency radio that I have placed in the just the right location to pick-up a garbled weather report, so that problem is solved.

I am grateful for my tiny little room. It has a roof, a toilet and a very small shower in the corner. I sleep on my couch, because no bed will fit in the room – well, other than a “prison-size” bed. This brings me to the reason I titled this particular blog entry as I have.  I have to make light of my current living situation. It helps me break loose, in my own head that is, of the fact that some people in prison acutally live in a bigger space than I. Yes, my “studio” is just that small.

Since I need to start from scratch at the age of 37, one might imagine that I struggle with the inner forces that tend to creep forward of the brain and remind me that most educated people with my mental prowess don’t live in “prison” cells. “Well, I do,” I tell myself. I follow with a joke or quip about my “jailcell”. I will rebuild and find my way out of Harford County, MD again. Those from Harford County who take offense – apologies – I just don’t belong. Don’t take it personally.

I am a fan of the local public library. First, there are plenty of books, of all varieties to be read and all for free. Second, the branch closest to me has a decent selection of DVDs to be borrowed for free. I have kept myself current on most big and small screen entertainment thanks to my local public library – and all for free. Recently, I have tried to catch-up on TV series that I either started watching mid-series or have never seen at all for one reason or another.

I started watching Prison Break on Fox at the beginning of the 3rd season. I was already familiar with Dominic Purcell from the TV show, “John Doe.” That show didn’t last, but I was a fan from the start. My former boyfriend, who quickly became simply a roommate and then something much less friendly, was a fan of “Prison Break.” I began my “Prison Break” experience while Michael Scofield was in Sona. Needless to say, I was confused quite often, because I had no idea the “T-Bag” histroy and all that had lead to Scofield’s imprisonment. I picked-up a lot though. Eventually, “Prison Break” became a regular Monday evening activity.

My public library did not have any seasons of “Prison Break” until two weeks ago. I saw the first season was there and all three DVDs containing the complete first season were available, so I borrowed them, along with two movies. As I’ve mentioned, my life went in toilet and I am in the process of climbing out and drying off, so I spend most of my non-work time in my own personal, figurative and literal prison. It seemed fitting to spend an entire weekend watching the complete first season of “Prison Break.”

I do joke that I get out of my “cell” for some yard time (otherwise known as running errands and the 3 hour commute to and from work). The rest of time, I am generally confined to my space and my own head. I read books, but I need to take “word” breathers every-so-often. (Although – WORDS ROCK and I am a fan of language – eapecially my own) I did that two weekends ago with the entire first season of “Prison Break.” It may seem as though I’m an oddball from way back (which may be true), but I have to admit that I am very glad I watched “Prison Break” in the order that I did.

I enjoyed watching the difference between “Sucre” in season 3 vs. “Sucre” in season 1. I doubt it would have been so noticable if I had watched the series in sequencial order. I spent this last weekend watching the complete second season. (I had a minor “lack of technology problem”, so this entry was started exactly one month ago today, so I have seen the entire series at this point – just waiting on the the two episodes that turned into a little Prison Break movie – The Final Break)

The “Hell” part of my blog title only relates to the actual television show with respect to the fact that I seriously started to get a tad “loopy” after hearing the opening credits theme song over and over and over and over and over and over again – ad nauseum. I didn’t always have the remote nearby or I felt it would be silly to hit next when the opening credits barely lasted 30 seconds. After I got 1/3 through the second season of my “Prison Break” marathon, I started humming the opening theme. My dreams contained the opening credit theme music. I started hearing that music while sitting quietly on the train, heading to work. It truly did make me slightly batty.

The “Hell” part relates more to the very personal thoughts that seemed to have some vaque, yet not so coincidental tie to the progression of the “Prison Break”. First, I should enlighten you, the poor soul who is actually reading this, that two weeks before I watched the episode that allowed us into the shrink’s office where “Scofield’s condition” was revealed as “Low Latency Inhibition”, I’d heard that term myself. Some may think that this particular “personality trait” is a faux, made-for-tv, imaginary psychological term. Personally, had I not been figuratively “poked and prodded” by a bevy of PhD holding members of the clinical psycology social set recently – I’d have thought the same. Alas, however, it seems that after many years of IQ and personality tests – the “Low Latency Inihibition” label landed squarely on me. It was actually my constant blogging that brought me to the attention of a bored researcher who found my “blogging” style quite fascinating.

I had been told in past conversations with those who study the human mind that I am “hypervigilant”. The only problem with that particular label is that it is associated with those who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. While I can attest to the fact that I might possibly be traumatically stressed out enough, for long enough, to have that stick – it makes much more sense that I’ve simply been this way since I was a wee young child. I will state now that I have had my fill of the WAIS-R and if I even here mention of an IQ test again – for a long time to come – I will RUN like a lion-chased Gazelle in Africa. I found it interesting that I was not surprised when I heard the term “Low Latency Inhibition”  twice in less than two weeks – in seemingly unrelatable circumstances.

I found a great deal of comfort in knowing that I just don’t care anymore why I am the way that I am. I am, and that’s good enough for me. This all correlates to my “Prison Break” marathon very nicley in my own head. However, to type the progression of those thoughts here would take eons and quite frankly, I sincerely doubt that anyone would want to read my free-association rallies that lead to my ultimate decision to view the way I am in an entirely new light. I’ll simply mention that I am a rather rabid fan of the “Prison Break” series. I’m also very glad it’s over. I’m sad it’s over too! That show was just proposterous – but WOW – I took to it like a moth to a flame.

I need to sleep now. 4:30 AM comes more quickly that I like these days, so I am off. PART 2 will no doubt have a lot to do with my great appreciation for Robert Knepper and all of his glorious lines as Theodore Bagwell. I mean – “…geologist of the rock candy variety” is just one of the hundreds of the priceless jems uttered by “T-Bag” on “Prison Break”.

I am not as technology-challenged as I have been over the last two years and I’m itching to type – so Part Two will be coming sooner rather than later.

Rock on Readers – peace – mia

…to look around and to touch the ground, there is no voice. No other sound. The peace we’ve found and the hearts we’ve bound. There are so many reasons to hide, inside. It’s not just a matter of pride. Will you hang on and enjoy the ride?…

I recently bought my very own personal copy of the new U2 release, “No Line on the Horizon”. After several good listens and after reading that Rolling Stone has called it a “5 Star Materpeice”, I feel I should at least share some thoughts here. From my perspective, “5 Star Materpiece” seems a bit too hefty on the praise. Don’t get me wrong – it is worth the money and I really enjoy most of the songs. There are at least three songs that I consider to be “great”. However, as a long-time listener of U2 and owner of all their albums, I can’t honestly say “5 Star Masterpiece.”

I suppose that if I were to take into account only the music that has recently released, “5 Star Masterpiece” would seem more fitting. But I’m comparing this album to the body of work U2 has already released. Of course, it is all a matter of musical taste, so what I type here is merely my opinion. Since I am very familiar with U2, it is a well-informed opinion, but it is an opinion nonetheless. The simple fact that the Irish fellas experiment and still find musical glory gives them a big-old “kudos” from me, no matter what. I have to admit that the lyrics are semi-standard U2 and fairly flat, all things considered. But the accompaniment can’t be described as typical and, in general, I’m a fan of the new stuff. GO U2 with you bad-ass selves!

I lost my most favorite, and only guitar left, no less, to a theft late last year. It was a sad, sad situation for me. However, I have been given an acoustic guitar recently, so I am no longer without guitar. I have to thank the Guitar Gods for hearing my prayers of longing. Technically, the guitar is in great condition. I just need to change some strings and work with the action a bit. I don’t fair well if I don’t have a quitar near me when I’m in the place where I sleep, so things are looking up – I’d say.

This brings me to my topic – I can’t be the way so many people around me seem to want me to “be”. One of my closests friends is married and has two children. I, however, have never been married and I do not have children, but I am helping to raise a total of 5 kids at the moment. I might as well be “Aunt” Mia to a 2-year old and a 7-year old. Both of whom I see many times a week, and I am somewhat of  a “Cool Aunt” Mia to a set of 16-year old twins and a 13-year old. I cannot tell you how much guff I get from most people with which I converse about the fact that I am not married and I do not have children. I have some thoughts for those who care to judge me against some “normal” standard and I will gladly share those thoughts here.

Number one – I am not afraid of children, nor do I not want to have children. However, I have no idea what sort of genetic issues are lurking in me that I could curse any biological of mine with unknowingly. I was adopted and I refuse to spend my precious time on this Earth trying to find my biological parents – especially considering that a decision like putting a child up for adoption should be, in my mind at least, left alone without revisitation. My medical status and genetic tests have confirmed that I have a high chance of passing on certain genetic traits that will make a biological child of mind suffer from mildly to severely. Why take that chance when there are children born everyday to people who can’t feed, clothe or provide basic necessities for their own children? Maybe I am some sort of “devil spawn” who is ignoring my “purpose for living” given to me by “God”, as some people have bluntly pointed to me and said. Maybe I am counter-acting some base genetic need to propogate. Maybe I am ruining some sort of architype created to increase the spread of human beings on the Earth and make people feel comfortable and unthreatened.

I cannot do anything other than remind those who will at least listen (or in this case read) that I refuse to propogate suffering. I refuse to do things because others EXPECT that is what is the norm. Am I abnormal? You bet your ass I am. I cannot change the core of what is me and believe me – I have tried. It has never worked and usually causes me much more trouble than I should have. I give other peoples’ children my time and attention without condition, so the need to have one of my own is simply not present.

As far as what is at the CORE of ME – well, some astute readers can probably guess that MUSIC is a core part of me. My love of ICE HOCKEY is also a core part of me. I require a certain amount of time in solitude. These are not just things I like, they are all things I literally need to be ME. It seems so simple to me, yet for numerous reasons, both known to me and not known to me, I cannot find a single human being in all of my assorted travels who I have actually met and spoken with who gets those three basic things. It confounds me to no end. Why is it so frickin’ important that I “SETTLE”, or more to the point “SETTLE DOWN”,  as many have informed me is my duty or some such other pile of garbage.

In other words, I am some sort of “devil woman” because I know exactly who I am and exactly what I like, want and need. Yeah, I get it (so totally NOT)!

Anyway, I suppose I will wander around loving my music and hockey and time of reflective solitude with only myself as company. I cannot be what others want me to be. I was not built that way. Perhaps I am from another planet all together?

Rock on everyone and don’t be afraid of yourself – peace – mia

2/28/09

… it is the new sad – all the trouble you’ve had. I couldn’t have vanished if you’ve never tried to come near. Lives fall apart, but you’ve found a new love; at least that’s what I hear. Still, you’ll sing alone as your brothers walk away. It’s time to wake up. Today is the day. You can, you will, you do know that I know that you do to too. I cannot SING any louder my sweet. But wait forever – until we meet…

If only I could break loose from all the reality of gravity. I long for such a thing. Some may understand what I mean. It has only been in the last few weeks did I realize exactly how much different life can be when a basic, simple things like music can change the very core of one’s actual reality. It’s easy for me to know the joys and struggles – simply because my life is fabricated with music from top to bottom. I realize that sometimes the topics I cover while blogging may be a bit, well lofty, but I have learned over the last ten years that if  I do not type out my “headspace” – trouble shows it’s ugly head.

Having shared all of that, I have to admit that I am feeling a new sense of music of late and so I am off to find a new musical challenge before the impending pull of the 9-5, complete with health benefits and the long commute is entirely too strong (and more to the point, necessary). This time around, however, I will do what I can to concentrate on the music and not the need for stability. I am temporarily employed, part-time, at the moment, so I do have some free time. And really and truly mean FREE time. I haven’t had FREE time since I was a very small child, so I am quickly adjusting so that I can take advantage to the best of my ability.

For many years, I was respsonsible, or at least felt responsible, for my family. And by family, I mean – Mom, Dad, etc. Now, unless you’ve been one of the very, very, very rare few who have been able to follow every incarnation of my blog and read every single entry, it will be difficult for me to explain why I would find it necessary to take on such a burden. So let me simply state that I looked at every possible scenario available to my perception, and decided in my mid-20’s that someone just plain had to “step-up” for the good of us all (“us” meaning my family). There are no more family members left who need to be watched over, so an enormous amount of stress is gone from my left.

However, as per the laws of physics, a void has been created and naturally, things are quickly rushing in to fill in for that vacant stress. It is crucial that I personally control that flow. This is one thing I can control. Of course, I have no choice if I want to live, but to earn money and while it might seem absolutely nutso that I find it very comforting being so poor that I have to live in a barn and declare bankruptcy (which I should have done last year, but was too poor to do), I will have to take on certain financial stresses yet once again.

Being completely without any money, whatsoever, is freeing in many ways, but it also puts a person on the fast-track to an early and “invisible” death. Considering that I have been fighting for my life for the last years, it is only logical that I would not want something like a lack of health insurance, medical care, food, shelter and other such things to bring to maker so quickly. To say that I do not have a choice would be wrong. I could chose poverty and an early death if I straight-out stopped hoping, and therefore, stopped caring – sure I could. You can bet you’re ass I am grateful that I actually have that choice. There are people out there who do not have any idea that any other fate is possible.

Well, even though “hope is a demon bitch” (as is named one of the chapters of the movie “Hamlet 2″) I’m a full-blown glutton for punishment, so off I go into the great beyond, yet once again. This time, armed with something I have not had in my adult life. What that is not something I feel the need to explain, but it’s real and it’s of great importance.

I’d love to go into all that cliche rhetoric that some find necessary after facing the mortality that is all a part of being human, but instead, since doing just that seems to be a recurring pattern, I will skip it all and just move onto the next chapter, as it were.

Music is a beautiful thing and I wouldn’t be here without it. It may be a trivial matter so some. It may be that I am deluded. It may be that I “receive” in a unique way. Many things are possible. To me though, music is true.

Go make some – peace – mia

2/27/09

Well, I haven’t quite been in the blog state of mind over the last year and in all honesty – it was bound to happen. I started blogging about ten years ago or so, and kept it at a steady pace for quite some time. I needed a long break from the typical, “over-achieving”, of which I have been accused by many. Sometimes life brings more than one can handle in any real sense, so I slipped into the depths and swam around in the muck for a while, so-to-speak.

It’s now time to re-surface and catch some familiar air. To say that I get dealt more difficulty than the average person would be an understatement, but it’s also fair to say that I knew it was coming and I did very little to avoid it. Perhaps, I even asked for it. Nevertheless, here I am on the blog again.

My greatest accomplishments in life have come from the doubt of others. Why change course now? I was told that my body was “shutting down” and that I had very little chance of survival beyond my 37th birthday. I will be 37 on March 9 of this year and there is no indication that I’m going down anytime soon. Yes, it is true that I am no longer the flexible, uber-strong, “feel-no-pain” sort of physical presence I once was, but frankly, I’m just thrilled that I can walk and talk and drive and laugh and sing. In a sense, all is as it was meant to be and my acceptance of that has finally brought me back from the murky nether region of self-doubt and despair.

It is a bit ironic to me that formerly, I barely felt pain. Whereas now, every note I sing, every move I make, and every breathe I take (hey, that sounds like I Police song I know) is filled with a stiff, throbbing soreness filled with pain and hurt. All things do eventually balance out afterall.

Since I am now employed again, I cannot spend much time here today. However, before I move onto my other blog,  “Singing From the Crease“, I want to send a fond farewell to Steven Page from the Barenaked Ladies. I have been a fan of the Barenaked Ladies for quite a while and spent a good many years and dollars going to their live performances. It will be a very different feel when the four remaining “Ladies” make a new album and hit the road in support of it, but I have confidence that both Mr. Page and the “Ladies” will move forward into new musical explorations having all been blessed by having their time together as a group. I will miss Steven’s voice in the mix, but look forward to hearing all the new and exciting music. Sing on fellas – Sing on.

Peace – Mia

Hello out there readers! It has been a sad couple of weeks for many people. For me, it started with the death of Rick Wright. For those who don’t know the name, you probably have heard some of his work. Rick Wright was my inspiration a long time ago. He was the man on the “keys” for Pink Floyd. I remember listening to a radio interview from the BBC when I was much younger. One of the interviewers said that Rick Wright used to take apart his instruments and  then put them back together. I’m quite certain I will never get that information actually verified as fact, but at the time I heard it – I thought that was the best idea ever. Of course, I learned the hard way that taking apart an instrument as complex as an electronic synthesizer and then putting it back together was an extremely difficult task.

I managed to put everything back into its original place – but only because I had no other choice if I wanted to contiue playing that particular instrument. I wondered why Mr. Wright would do such a thing before I started, but several weeks later, after finally putting my synthesizer back together in good working order – I had learned so much about all the little parts and pieces and their function. Even if Mr. Wright never really took apart and put back together any of his keyed instruments, I still credit him with helping me understand electronics far better than I ever would had I not taken apart my own keyed instruments. Nowadays, I can pretty much take apart anything and put it all back together properly again. I learned to appreciate electronic instruments and the sounds they make because of Rick Wright. Not to mention I am a fan of Pink Floyd.

I was exposed to Pink Floyd by the age of two or three probably. I remember “The Wall” being the album that everyone talked about. I also remember “Dark Side of the Moon” being the first Floyd album I owned myself. I differ from many Floyd fans in that my favorite Floyd album isn’t either of the two I already mentioned. My personal Floyd favorite has been and will always be “The Final Cut.” I enjoy “Works” and “The Division Bell”, but “The Final Cut” is what I think is Floyd’s best. Some people have told me that the FC is way too depressing because it’s about someone killing himself. I personally don’t find it depressing – I find it real. Besides, the actual song “Final Cut” ends with “but I never had the nerve to make the Final Cut.” It has great flow and energy. That album sits very high-up on my “favorite all-time albums” list. Only Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” is higher. I am happy to have learned from Richard Wright, even if indirectly and maybe even falsely. My world is a better place because of his work.

As some may also know, Bernie Mac died at age 50 about a week or so ago as well. I have to admit that I hadn’t heard much about Bernie Mac until I ran across the first season of the “Bernie Mac Show.” I watched the entire first season and much of the second season. I realized that I had seen Bernie Mac elsewhere after a while. I really liked his show – even though I had heard rumblings here and there that it was too rough, I thought his show was great,  especially because of the scenes featuring Bernie talking to the camera about what’s going on in his house. Someone who knew me very well once informed me that I have certain personality traits that reminded him of Bernie Mac.

At the time that I heard I was similar to Bernie Mac, I had thought that I, as a younger, white, female, shouldn’t be compared to Bernie Mac. However, I watched a stand-up comedy special which included Bernie Mac about a year after being compered to him. I had no choice to admit that there are certain personality traits that we do share in common. People who don’t know me very well would not pick-up the commonality at all, most likely, but my friend noticed, and then so did I. It makes me sad to know that Bernie Mac doesn’t have any more time left to do what he does, but I truly hope that all of his problems are now over and that he is in blissful peace – hanging out with Rick Wright maybe? Or maybe he’s hanging out with Paul Newman!

Yes, I had to get to Paul Newman. He also died recently of Cancer. Now, I am one of those people who never really understood that draw of Paul Newman. I think I am too young to appreciate Mr. Newman as he rightly should be appreciated. I have seen many films that include or feature Paul Newman, including “Slap Shot”, which as a hockey fan, is of course, one of my favorite films. As odd as it may seem to some, I have decided that Paul Newman was so good at what he does, that I didn’t even notice his greatness. I am not sure that I could explain it any better than that. He gave a lot to charity and I’m sure that he is peaceful now and his grand blue eyes see no longer see evil.

While I’m on the subject of people who have been some sort of influence on my life, I have to mention Tim Russert. He died on the Friday before father’s day this year. Most people will recognize him as one of the political experts who worked for NBC for many years. Some may know also that he was from Buffalo, NY and that he wrote a couple of books about his relationship with his father and in response, relationships of others with their fathers. I never really addressed my thoughts on his passing in any of my three blogs, so I decided I would include Tim Russert in this entry as well.

As far as politics go – I tend to keep quiet about many issues. If people ask me, I tell them I am now a registered Independent. In Maryland, being an Independent precludes me from voting in the Primary Election, as is the regulation in my state. I am for my country and it’s health in this world, so I vote, but I am neither a Democrat, nor a Republican. To be true to my beliefs as an American, I became a registered Independent as soon as it became a possibility in my state. Because I cannot vote in the Primaries, I trusted all the rest of the Americans who were able and did vote in the Primaries. Now I have to decide amoung FOUR people. I am not deciding between TWO people. If the President becomes unable to perform his duties, the VP will be in charge. I am not voting for a particular party, so I don’t have to worry about anyone’s “Party Lines”.

I am a proud and informed voter. I would not be if Tim Russert had never existed. The guy was just plain enthusiastic. He really loved and supported Buffalo sports teams, which I personally admire and practice when it comes to my Washington Capitals. It will never matter to me where I go or what I do, or if I never go anywhere or do anything, I will always outwardly and loudly cheer on my Washington Capitals. I learned so much from watching and listening to Tim Russert. His dedication surely succeeded in educating young voters – there is no doubt about that. I suppose for me, I’d also have to mention Jon Stewart, of “The Daily Show” fame.

Before my father died, he spent a lot of time in Bed. By the time he had completely stopped reading, he was hooked on “The Daily Show” with Jon Stewart. He pushed that show on me – there is no question about that. I did, after some time, become a regular watcher of the Jon Stewart show. I learn a lot from his show, because there is humor in the “fabric” of “The Daily Show”. Humor is usually the best way to get my attention, which is something I shared with my father.

My dad started watching “The Jerry Springer Show” and “Pokemon” a couple of years before finally passing, but I’m still a big fan of Jon Stewart and I now find different ways to get the information I used to get from Tim Russert.

GO DUDES! If the ladies tell you they don’t like you – They’re lying (but don’t tell ‘em I told you). I LOVE THE DUDES!!! MEN ROCK! (to be E.R.A. compliant – the ladies know how to the ROCK the house too – it’s just MAN DAY in my world today)

It’s time to sign-off for a bit – NHL Hockey is COMING VERY SOON! GO CAPS GO!!! (now those dudes REALLY ROCK – oh, that’s right – can you say “Sergei Federov” or how about Ovechkin, Semin…) peace-mia

Good afternoon from Music City, MD. I have about 16 pages of entries I have to get up on this blog, so I’m admitting to being behind in my posts the likes of which I have not seen before. I prefer that this particular blog get “live” posts. For example, I type them in one sitting and I Publish then in the same sitting. It keeps things more current and relevant in my mind. In this case, I have realized that I now have 16 pages of bullshit to pull from should need ever arise.

And it begins – once again …Two particles collide, but the search will not subside. The whether makes a statement quickly, but yet, it’s more slow, and slickly. A martyr does a dead white girl make, now that’s publicity one cannot fake. A young man from “Down Under” died in his sleep, but maybe he’s still there – not uttering a peep…

I do a little …something, something, something… in more than 85% of any entry I have published on the internet. If I were you and you come back to read more – I’d get used to that if were you. But now, I’ll think I’ll start my entry by listing as many well-known people who come from Maryland as I can right now. Here goes -

Lewis Black (angry, funny guy most recently seen on tour and Comedy Central), Micheal Phelps (Greatest Olympian ever), Jada Pincket Smith (she acts and she’s married to Will Smith), Edward Norton, John Waters (he directs some homegrown, perverted, madness, and his movie “Cry Baby” helped make someone famous), David Byrne (general all around artist, but most of you will recognize him as the lead dude for “The Talking Heads”. There are many more I can think of at the moment, but I’m discovering that if I list as many as I can think of right now, I may never get off of this computer today and I have some work to do. (I’ll get to that later)

I currently live in Baltimore County. If I walk South East about two blocks, I am in Baltimore City. I’ve lived in Harford and Baltimore Counties about the same amount of time in each. I have also lived in the City. It is a matter of tremendous pride living in Baltimore County, Maryland, USA these days, because that is where the greatest Olympian to walk the Earth so far was raised from a pup. I don’t usually watch the Summer Olympics (I’m a Winter sport girl for the most part), but this year I saw almost every event that was televised. I watched mostly water sports though. I started swimming when I was very young, and I swam in competition for about nine years until I was about 13 or 14 years old. I enjoyed watching the Olympics this year. If I weren’t hindered by poor health, I have a feeling I wouldn’t have been as interested in the Olympics. Okay, so my point is, Maryland produces some very notable people.

Maryland is also very expensive to live in, for the most part. There is a lot of real estate on the water in Maryland. Our state may not be that big, but we have Ocean front property, Mountain view property, bayside property, Washington D.C. is cut right into our state. We have all sorts of goodies that some might not notice. Oh and if one were to pull apart all the statistics that put Maryland high up on the list of states with high numbers of people who die of heart related problems, it would be discovered that most of those people died in cardiac-care hospitals in Maryland, such as Johns Hopkins. If all of your heart patients leave your state to try to get better heart care, then it would make sense that your state’s heart patients will either come back to your state having been treated successfully for their heart problems, or they died in the state in which they were receiving heart-care. This is one of the reasons I try to avoid blatant use of statistics. Statistics can be twisted and spun. I must be on some kick about maryland pride or something. I’m not sure I had any before. It’s hard to say.

I have recently been confronted with a situation involving things were only thought to happen two blocks SE, in The City. My friend was jumped by several teenagers in broad daylight, right at my doorstep last Saturday. The youths knocked his glasses off and tried to reach for his wallet. They were unsuccessful in getting the wallet, but they were quite good at leaving huge fist lumps in the back of my friends head. My friend who has absolutely in his wallet ever and who has no health insurance got jumped by teenagers who are either trying to live the “thug life” or are just plain ignorant. Hey Momma’s in the Overbrook/Edmonson cross-street area – where were your children last Saturday around 5pm? Who were they with? Why are so many people getting shot were you live? Why did the young boys who jumped my friend run in your direction when I chased them? I wish I knew the answers to those questions. I hope people stop dying. I hope a gang hasn’t found my apartment to be an “area interest” since I painted over what could very well have been a “gang tag”. Well, the “tag” wasn’t creative and the boys (and I call them boys, because men don’t jump poor people en mass and then run away) who attacked my friend heard what I screamed at them as they ran away. If they still want to come back – they have been warned.

In general I like Maryland, even though violent crimes happen and living here is a pain in the wallet, so to speak. I don’t like some of the people in Maryland who do stupid things. I just recently found out that David Byrne is from Arbutus, which is not very far from where I currently live. The Catonsville Times has a front-page feature story on David Byrne this week. I didn’t know Lewis Black was from Maryland until recently either. I’ve heard stories from locals that Edward Norton is from Columbia, MD in Howard County and that everyone who knew him is sure he’s had chin work done. Chin work or not, he’s good at what he does.

Many movies and parts of movies get filmed in Maryland, but most people wouldn’t even know. Some movies feature Baltimore City, but many just used random parts of the City and Counties to film where it is less expensive. Yup, it’s cheap to make movies in Maryland. It used to be a good place to film television shows too, but I fear that is a thing of the past. Given the nature of the show “Homicide: Life on the Street” and “The Wire”, Baltimore looks like a big pile of crime to the outside the world now and some elected officials are not allowing it to continue. I believe in artistic expression, so I don’t condone the shows, or even the 50 Cent song portraying a Baltimore Heroin addict, but I will say it would be nice if a network show that doesn’t involve having to know detectives’ names revolving around Baltimore City were around. There are actually several documentaries out and about that show some pretty seedy and unfavorable material about Baltimore. It would have been nice if Michael Phelps were from Baltimore City.

I suppose I also tend to think of Washington DC as “The City” to me because I’ve heard I was born there and I am a Washington Capitals fan. The Caps used to play in Landover, MD, so it was a bit easier for some Marylanders and Virginians to go the US Air Arena to see the Caps Play. Now it’s easier for others to see the Caps play and harder for me to see them play – although, I am on West side of I-695 now, so that help. I have decided not to get my hopes up and have planted firmly in my head that I won’t be able to get to the Verizon Center this season to see the Caps play. If I even hold out even the tiniest bit of hope for that, that pursuit will drive me crazier than I already am. I know that I’ll have a place to live until the end of January. With that place to live comes Verizon Fios, so I will at least be able to watch the games on television. GO CAPS.

The thought of being sick and homeless is lurking so nicely around the outskirts of my brain. I do the best I can with every single second of “healthy” time that I have, but I have the impending fear gnawing at me constantly that my “best”, at this point just isn’t going to be good enough. I try to ask for help, but I’m not exactly sure what kind of help I need. Well, other than money. That’d be a stress reliever, which in turn would give me more time to find out why I’m so sick. Actually, I know why at this point, up to the part where my multi-symptomatic problems are all real, but have not pin-pointed a specific illness. All I know, is that it gets boring, annoying and frustrating more and more often for me. I can best explain how I feel by perhaps equating to getting beaten by some sort of invisible mafia that wants something from me everyday. I wish I knew what the invisible wanted from me.

Earlier this year more than one doctor explained that I will have to get shots and take a lot of pain medication as my condition worsens. It has worsened. However, I barely take any medications nowadays and I do not get any shots. The fact that I have no money to pay for these things is only a part of why I stopped popping all the pills and why I have not sought out someone who is going to fill me syringes full of chemicals. First off, I feel just as depressed and sad on anti-depressants as I did off. I waited a long time before I even considered medication for depression. If one were to use the DSM-IV-R to put a psychological label on the type of depression I suffer, than I would be classified as a Manic Depressive. Nowadays, I think I’d be considered Bi-Polar, but in the end, it all boils down to the fact that I have a lot to be depressed about and I haven’t done myself yet, so I might as well just fight my way through it all without the pills that I eventually did try. I’ve tried three different types of medications and I am not willing to try anymore. I’m just me, having a bad life right now, so if I have to fore go all the medication and just get hit head-on with all the pain, physical or otherwise, than that is what I will do at this point.

I have to mention that I am sending all the most positive vibes I can in the direction of a New York Rangers fan I know (there’s no accounting for taste). Tucker Davis, who came down from New York last year on his Birthday visit and to see the Capitals play the Pens at the Verizon Center, has recently discovered that he has Liver Cancer. Tucker had 1/4 of his liver removed on Tuesday and seems to be doing okay at the moment. He’s not even 28 (I don’t think so anyway). I had an instant connection with Tucker because we both love our hockey teams with great passion. I found it very easy to talk hockey with Tucker. He is a little upset that a picture of him wearing a Washington Capitals shirt in from of a huge Washington Capitals logo made it onto his Christmas cards last year. I mean think of all those fellow NY Rangers fans who received a Christmas card with a big Washington Capitals logo on it – not to mention a staunch Rangers fan on the front grinning it up, adorned with a Washington Capitals T-shirt. Oh yeah, that’s right the Caps ROCK!!!!! Tucker had such a great time at that game and he came away with a puck signed by team captain, Chris Clark. I am hoping my NY hockey buddy stays around a while so we can give each other crap about whose team is better via text-message. Of course, we all know the Capitals rule, but what the heck, the Rangers do have Henrik Lundqvist. King Henrick is right.

As I mentioned earlier in the entry, I do have some work to do. I was actually contacted by an ECHL team (that’s hockey of course) and I have been given a very small contract to help assess certain goalie practices and skills. A random person out in the world just happen to have stumbled on my other blog Singing from the Crease and from there, I was given a small opportunity which I will take happily and quickly. My contract will not allow me to identify anything I am doing for this ECHL team, but it is an actual paying gig (not a lot, but hell, I’ll take it smiling), so I have to devote the rest of my Sunday to work.

I’ll be back soon and yes AC/DC – “There Be Rock” indeed!!!! Go Caps.